


Paint My Spirit Gold

by castielanderson



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-29
Updated: 2012-08-29
Packaged: 2017-11-13 03:35:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/499023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielanderson/pseuds/castielanderson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean and Sam spend Christmas at Amelia's, and despite being surrounded by a real family, Dean can't shake the loneliness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paint My Spirit Gold

Dean’s standing by the doorway, hands in his pocket.  His bag is packed, stuffed in the trunk of the impala, along with Sam’s – who is currently in the bathroom, trying to make his hair look presentable.  Dean doubts he’ll ever succeed, but he doesn’t say so.

“Sam!” he shouts, irritated.

“Just one more minute, Dean!” is the reply, and Dean groans, frustrated.

“You look fine, Sammy.  Quit fussing.  I think being on time is a little more important.”

The bathroom door finally opens, and Sam comes out, dressed in a nice new pair of jeans, an argyle sweater, and a smooth, black blazer.  He straightens his collar as he says, “The drive to Amelia’s is only three hours, and we’ve got to be there at four.  It’s noon – we’re fine.”

Dean gives him his best bitchface.  “Amelia’s also been your girlfriend for nearly a year, Sam.  She’s not going to care if your collar’s not perfectly straight.  Let’s go.  And get this over with,” he adds under his breath, turning towards the door.

Sam throws on his coat, and slinging his bag over his shoulder, follows Dean out of the motel room.  They pile into the impala, and Dean makes sure to tell Sam that they’re not listening to any shitty Christmas stations – he still picks the music.

It’s been a long time since they’ve celebrated Christmas, and for the first time, it might actually be nice.  Surrounded by people who love them, with hopefully no supernatural hitches – they’re looking forward to it. 

Or well, Sam is.

Dean likes Amelia, he really does.  She’s sweet and kind, but also funny and sarcastic.  He’s met her parents briefly in passing and they seemed like great people.  Dean’s sure it’s going to be a great night.  It beats kicking back in a motel room, switching through the Christmas specials until the wine knocks him out, that’s for sure.  It’ll be nice to spend it like a real family for once, except – it’s not Dean’s family.  Yeah, he has Sam, but that’s it.

He hasn’t spent a lot of time with Amelia, not any with her family.  It’s going to be awkward and nerve-wracking, and for Dean, it’s incomplete.  There’s a handful of people he wishes could be here, but there’s only one he still _needs_.  However, he’s been trying not to think about it too much.  This is a huge deal for Sam, and Dean’s going to suck it up and be happy so Sam can enjoy his Christmas for once.

The roads aren’t too bad; the ice is manageable.  They make it to Amelia’s place in just under three and a half hours. Dean parks on the street, right up next to the house.  Sam’s practically bouncing in his seat, and he walks up to the front door without even checking that Dean’s behind him.  Once again, he straightens his collar, and then rings the doorbell.  Amelia answers with a bright smile, flinging her arms around Sam’s neck and kissing him eagerly.  Dean turns away, already feeling awkward.  But a second later, Amelia addresses him, welcoming him to her house.

Inside it’s warm, and the living room is decorated extravagantly.  There’s a large tree in front of the bay window, dotted with ornaments and glittering lights.  There’s a centerpiece on every table – the coffee table and the two side tables – little Christmas-themed knickknacks.  Lights also hang from the ceiling, lining the tops of the walls.  The air smells of cinnamon, peppermint, and the turkey that’s no doubt cooking in the kitchen.  It all fills Dean with an odd sense of nostalgia, considering he’s never experienced anything like this.  He’s suddenly being thrust into the holiday spirit without warning, and he actually likes it.

“Go ahead and make yourselves at home,” Amelia says.  “I’ll get you some cocoa.”

Dean watches as she walks away, hands in his pockets.  As she disappears into the kitchen, he turns back to Sam, grinning when he sees the lovestruck look on his brother’s face.

“Dude.”

Sam blinks, head snapping over to look at Dean.  “What?”

“You are so whipped,” Dean laughs as he lowers himself to the couch.

Sam blushes, sitting down next to him.

“I knew you were going soft, Sammy,” Dean continues.  “So – where does Amelia keep your balls?”

Sam glares at him, and Dean just laughs.

“I’m only messing with you, Sam.  Calm down.”

Amelia returns then, two steaming mugs in her hands.  Dean takes the cocoa with a word of thanks, watching as her eyes sparkle as she looks at Sam.  He asks her about some promotion, and she replies happily.  As they delve into conversation, Dean stands up, deciding to give them some space.  He walks around the backside of the couch, moving across the room to two bookshelves that stand in a corner.

There’re rows full of novels – classics and modern ones that Dean’s never heard of.  There’s a couple of vases, and multiple frames full of pictures.  Dean spots many of Amelia and her parents, friends, someone he assumes is most likely her brother, and one of Sam.  Dean picks up the wooden picture frame carefully, pulling it closer to his face.  They’re at an outdoor restaurant, sitting across from each other.  Sam’s got ice cream on his nose, and he’s laughing, his eyes crinkled up.  Amelia’s laughing as well, her head thrown back, sunglasses slipping off her head.  Dean feels an odd sort of sensation in his stomach as he thinks about the possibility of this being taken while he was gone. 

Dean sets the picture back on the shelf, pressing his lips together.  He hears Sam and Amelia giggling quietly, and his heart clenches.  The last time Sam was this happy was Jess, and that ended so horribly all those years ago.  Dean wonders if Sam will marry Amelia if all goes well.  He hopes so; he wants Sam to be happy. 

The doorbell rings, and Amelia pops up, smiling and saying, “That must be my parents.”

Dean trails behind Sam and Amelia as they walk over to the door, welcoming Amelia’s parents, Bill and Karin.  They’re friendly people, warm and welcoming.  They smile widely as they shake Dean’s hand, both of them fondly recalling the time they met in passing. 

Right away, Karin heads for the kitchen, taking over the cooking so Amelia can spend some time with Sam.  Dean follows her, as it looks like Bill’s settled into his armchair, turning on the TV to some game he’s really eager for.  She checks on the turkey, and Dean takes a seat at the bar, setting his cocoa in front of him.

“How have you been doing, Dean?”

He leans back in his seat, heaving a sigh.  “Oh – fine.  Busy,” he says.

“Work going good?”

Dean laughs a little.  “I suppose.”

Karin smiles.  “That’s good.  And what about you – have you got anyone special?”

Dean feels his heart drop a little, and he forces himself not to frown.  He runs his fingers across his mouth, heaving a sigh.  “It’s complicated,” he replies.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Karin says immediately, recognizing Dean’s tone.  “I didn’t mean to bring up anything sore.”

“It’s fine,” Dean assures, reaching for his cocoa.  “I mean it’s not even that bad.  I just – miss them.”

Karin nods.  “I understand.  I’ve had my share of breakups.  It’ll get easier with time, I promise you.”

Dean doesn’t say anything.  How could he?  How could even begin?  How does he tell someone that he’s not even sure they’re together in the first place, that he’s confused because he had no one else – is he really sure that he didn’t just fall in love with the only person he knew because he was lonely, that now that he’s starting to think that he’s in love despite everything, that particular person is currently trapped in a place not everyone believe exists with no way out?

He just takes a drink of his cocoa, and pushes everything back.

Thankfully, Dean’s saved from any more awkward conversation by the doorbell ringing again.  Everyone crowds around the doorway, this time welcoming Amelia’s brother, Marshall, and his fiancée, Elise.  Hugs are exchanged, and few words of conversation before everyone sits back down around each other in the living room.  Dean stays out of the kitchen this time, sitting down in the other armchair next to Bill.

Dean has never met Marshall, but he’s just like everyone else in the family – charming and kind.  He engages Sam in a conversation about some movie they must have watched together.  Again, Dean feels an odd little pang of a mix between loneliness and happiness.  It looks like Sam’s finally found a place in this new family, and while Dean knows they count him in as well, it’s not the same.  Everyone here knows each other, loves each other, and each one of them has someone else to call their own.  Dean’s the only one left it out, and while he’s trying to let it get to him, it still hurts a little.

As people talk and dinner cooks, Dean sits back and watches the game that Bill has turned on.  Frankly, he finds football boring, but it beats having to talk to people about his life – about why he and Sam travel for work all the time, about why he was missing for a year, about why he’s single.

The next hour eases by, and soon, Amelia’s calling them all into the kitchen, the table set with copious amounts of food.  Dean smiles as he follows everyone into the room.  Dinner is something he can do, something he can do _very well_.

The conversation isn’t as thick while they eat, and Dean appreciates it.  He only answers a few offhand questions as they all muddle through the slow talk.  When dessert is served and the alcohol has settled in everyone’s stomachs, things start to relax.  Amelia places an apple pie on the table, and Dean declares her love for her, which results in Sam smacking his arm.  They lean back in their seats, smiling and laughing for no particular reasons.  Just being around each other is enough. 

After everyone’s full and satisfied, Dean helps Karin, Amelia, and Elise clean up.  He doesn’t really feel like joining in conversation about football or other things Sam and Marshall have shared and Dean hasn’t.  Instead, he listens while the girls gush about the new season of some show they watch, and as they gossip about some woman in the community they all despise.  The simplicity amuses Dean, and he finds himself smiling, though there’s an ache in his heart that tells him he’s still missing someone.

(Karin doesn’t broach that subject again, and thankfully, no one else does).

It doesn’t take too long to clean the kitchen, and soon enough, everyone’s back in the living room, sipping on alcohol.  Sam has limited Dean to eggnog, so unfortunately, he can’t enjoy the wine like everyone else.  The conversation is still lazy, the atmosphere relaxed, but then Amelia suggests everyone play a game, and Dean curses under his breath.  Her family is nice, they’re great, but Dean can’t shake the feeling like he doesn’t quite belong, that this is all just something Dean will never have.

They end up setting up a game of Apples to Apples back in the kitchen/dining room.  Dean lasts one game, battling Marshall for the win, but he loses.  As they scrape up all the cards to shuffle, Bill announces he’ll skip out on the games.  Dean, seizing the opportunity, follows him back into living room.

Bill starts up the fireplace, and turns the channel to some cheesy Christmas special.  He and Dean sit down in the twin armchairs, enjoying the warmth of the fire.  They’re quiet for a few moments, sipping on wine and eggnog respectively.  Bill’s starting to get a little bit tipsy; Dean can tell by the flush in his cheeks.

A loud _woop!_ comes from the kitchen, and Bill chuckles.  The two of them listen to the voices of the others as they talk and laugh, really enjoying themselves.  After a minute, Bill clears his throat, turning towards Dean.

“So, Dean,” he starts.  “Karin told me earlier that you, uh – you’re going through a little rough patch.”

Dean blinks.  His whole life is a rough patch; Bill’s going to need to be a little more specific.  “What do you mean?”

“You and the mister.”

Dean chokes, coughing sharply.  “How – how did you know - ?”

“I asked Karin if it was a girl; she said you didn’t specify, and you know honestly, it seems like you overcompensate a bit.”

Dean nods, pressing his lips together. 

“So, anyway, if you wanted to talk to someone,” Bill says.  “You’ve looked pretty down today.  It must be hard spending the holidays like this.”

“It is,” Dean agrees, heaving a sigh.

“Were you two together long?” Bill asks.

Dean hesitates, still not having the faintest clue how to talk about this.  “We’ve known each other almost six years, but the whole ‘together’ thing is still a little, uh – uncertain.”

“Unrequited, or - ?”

“No,” Dean says shaking his head.  “We both really care about each other, it’s just – there’s a lot of different factors in the situation.  We’re – we’re not sure being together is going to work out all that well.  The whole ‘friendship first’ thing, you know.”

“Are _you_ in love with him?” Bill asks, looking at Dean a little more closely.

Dean sighs, biting his lip.  He takes a moment to process it, even though the answer is clear.  It has been for awhile now.  “Yeah,” he says quietly.  “I am.” 

He’s not really sure why he’s talking about this, being so open and honest with someone he barely knows.  Normally, he’d blame it on the alcohol, but since he really hasn’t had that much today, he can’t exactly use that excuse.  He supposes it might have to do with how he’s been holding everything in lately, not even daring to discuss anything with Sam.  One, he doesn’t want to bother Sam.  Two, he’s not even sure what his feelings are completely.  And three, it’s still such a touchy subject.

“Talk to him,” Bill suggests.  “You won’t solve anything if the two of you keep stepping around each other.”

Dean presses his lips together again, and then swallows hard.  “I would,” he says, “but I don’t know when I’ll see him again. He’s, uh – not in the country.  Working abroad.”

“Well,” Bill says with sigh, “I guess all I can say is, I wish the two of you the best.”

“Thank you,” Dean says, and he really means it.

Right now, Dean’s not even comfortable with everything he’s feeling, and he’s been so worried about what other people might say.  He knows Sam’s okay with it, but all the people he’s known – what would they say?  His father, his mother, Bobby, Jo, Ellen – what would they all think?  Dean hopes they would be okay with it; maybe that would help him feel more accepting of it.  Bill has certainly helped a little bit.

All day, surrounded by these people who know and love Sam, Dean’s felt alone.  He’s felt alone for so many reasons – because he has to share Sam again, because these people know things about Sam that he doesn’t, because Amelia is everything Sam’s been missing, because everyone here has a significant other, and because all of these things relate to the fact that Dean is missing someone like Amelia.  He misses Cas so much that it’s nearly driving him insane, and just the thought of him – still trapped in that awful place while Dean’s enjoying Christmas with a family for once, it makes him feel sick.  He wants Cas to be here, to be right by his side.  He wishes he could show off Cas like Sam and Marshall show off Amelia and Elise.  He wishes he could have eaten dinner and played games sitting next to him. 

He just wishes Cas was here.

He wishes they could finally work everything out and figure out exactly what’s between them.  He wishes they could decide that maybe being together is a good thing.  He wishes he could feel Cas’ hands on his skin again, Cas’ lips on his own.  He wants to hear Cas’ voice, hear him laugh.  He wants to see Cas’ smile and his bright blue eyes.

He just wants Cas.

As he sits, staring into the fire, Amelia’s family talking and laughing in the background, Bill sitting next to him, Dean decides that he’s going to do everything in his power to make sure that next year, Cas is right there with him, and that he’ll get to introduce Cas with a proud smile on his face and then sneak a little kiss on his cheek.  Next year, Cas will be with them, and everything will finally feel right.


End file.
